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The Stress of Social Comparison and How to Limit Comparing Yourself to Others

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Oscar Wong / Getty Images

We Start Comparing Ourselves to Each Other From a Young Age

There are two types of social comparison, your self-esteem level influences how well you deal with social comparison, comparisons create so much stress, social media plays a major role in social comparison, is comparing yourself to other people always a bad thing not always., how to free yourself from social comparison.

Comparing ourselves to each other is a natural human behavior that has evolved to help us live together as a cohesive group, to help us learn from one another, and to keep us from falling too far behind our potential.

It also helps us to define ourselves, to gauge how we’re doing in various areas of life based on what appears to be possible, and can even seem to help us feel better about ourselves in many cases. It can also be stressful, however, and it can make us more competitive than we need to be.

Social comparison is a common human dynamic that first rears its head when children are very small. Think of the toddlers who get upset or throw a tantrum whenever they see another kid with a new toy that they don't have.

Social comparison gains momentum in elementary school when kids follow fads. To be considered "cool" you have to be watching the latest tv show or wearing the best clothes.

Then, in high school, the world of brand names, popular music, cliques, and FOMO is when social comparison really takes hold, and it never quite goes away as people focus on getting into the best colleges, landing the best jobs, marrying someone their friends might envy, and building a picture-perfect life with them.

Adults face many of the same social comparison pressures as teens to one degree or another: comparing looks, social status, material items, and even relationships.

Researchers have identified two types of social comparison :

• Upward social comparison: Here we look at people we feel are better off than we are in an attempt to become inspired and more hopeful. For instance, you might feel inspired by your boss. Maybe they've really excelled in their career and you admire their leadership style and their accomplishments. You compare yourself to try and make changes so that you can get on their level one day. You might even be envious or jealous of their success.
• Downward social comparison: Here we look at people who we feel are worse off than we are, in an effort to feel better about ourselves and our situation. This sounds pretty mean, but everyone has done it at some point or another. Let's say you're tight on money for the weekend and you're upset that won't be able to go see a live band with your friends. Then, if you happen to see someone who is homeless, you might begin to feel slightly better about your own financial situation because it allows you to put your life in a new perspective.

Some of the factors that affect whether social comparisons are helpful or harmful are our self-esteem , the stressors we already have in our lives, and whether we’re making upward or downward social comparisons.

People who have higher self-esteem and fewer stressors in their lives tend to fare better with social comparisons. They also might be less inclined to compare themselves to other people altogether.

Those with lower self-esteem, or who experience greater threats or stress in their lives, tend to use downward comparisons more often. This can lift their mood, but not as much as it does in those who are already doing better in these areas.

Upward social comparisons—comparing ourselves to those who are better off as a way to get inspired can make us feel just that—inspired. People embarking on a particular career path might follow their favorite journalists on Instagram to stay motivated to achieve their own goals.

People with lower self-esteem or who have recently experienced a career setback can feel worse when they make upward social comparisons, experiencing both a drop in mood and often an increase in stress.

Social comparison comes in many forms. Basically, whenever people gather, we have a tendency to compare ourselves and usually form some sort of hierarchy, formal or unspoken. Clubs have officers who are elected and awards that are given to those who excel, and most people are aware of the more influential members.

Moms’ groups compare their babies’ milestones and their relationships both in an effort to be sure their kids are progressing and to measure their own success as moms. From the high achievers to those looking for friends and fun, we tend to compare.

Both Social Comparison Types Can Lead to Stress

These comparisons can stress us, however, as we may find ourselves lacking when we make upward social comparisons. We may come off as conceited or competitive when we make downward social comparisons, which can create stress in our relationships.

Many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves.

Social media takes social comparison to a whole new level. We see who is doing what we’re not, and we may become stressed wondering if we’re doing enough, earning enough, and enjoying life enough. We compare our regular lives with other people’s curated best memories.

We don't know whether they’re just posting their highlights and the best photos out of dozens, or if they’re really sharing casual and spontaneous events as they happen.

Either way, many people find that social media exacerbates social comparison in all the worst ways, making many of us feel worse about ourselves and lowering our self-esteem.

While these feelings can sometimes be automatic, we don’t need to let our instincts toward social comparison be an important part of who we are. We can minimize these tendencies and counteract them with a little effort so we feel less stressed by them. The first step, however, is being aware of social comparison in ourselves and in others.

While a little surprising, there can be a positive aspect to competitiveness and social comparison.

For instance, when our friends are doing well, they inspire us to be our best as well, which is the upside of upward social comparison. (This is particularly true if they share the secrets of their success).

We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

And when we compare ourselves to others who have it worse than us, we tend to appreciate what we have and show more gratitude and empathy. We often do better if we’re striving to keep up with a role model or successful friend, and we can make ourselves better by supporting others.

Avoiding Embarrassment or Failure Can Motivate People

Even the desire to avoid the embarrassment of failure can be a good motivator. The main difference between friendly competition and the competition of “frenemies” is the supportiveness factor. Frenemies seem to delight in one-upmanship and the failure of others. True friends, on the other hand, motivate you to succeed, delight in your successes, and help keep you going in tough times.

If you find yourself in the trap of social comparison, feeling somewhat hooked on feelings of superiority from downward social comparison, or beating yourself up when you make upward social comparisons, it's important to get out of this mental trap.

Here are some simple ways you can train your brain to care less about what others are doing or thinking.

Find Role Models

If you’re working to keep up with role models, you can gain the benefits of their success (personal motivation, seeing what works for them, etc.) without adding the element of competitiveness to your own relationships. So, it might be better to follow an influencer or celebrity rather than look to your closest friend as a role model as that could inadvertently put a strain on your relationship.

Create a Support Circle

To help avoid harmful comparisons, try building a circle of supportive people and focus on them. This can be a group of friends who share a common goal. You can start an exercise group or another group built around a goal that’s either formal or informal.

If you're into creative writing or film, you can find a group of people who are also interested in the creative arts and get together from time to time and critique each other's work.

Find an Accountability Partner

You can also find an accountability partner to keep each other motivated. Rather than a group, you and your accountability partner can check in with each other on your goals, celebrate together, and help motivate one another to stick with the plan.

This is particularly helpful because it provides both of you with individualized moral support, a bit of added responsibility to stick with the plan (or you’ll be letting your partner and yourself down), and it makes celebrating small victories a little more fun.

Count Your Blessings

When you find yourself making comparisons, try to “even the score” in your head. If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s victory, remind yourself of your own triumphs and strengths. If you’re feeling judgmental, remind yourself of the strengths of the other person and the special things they bring to the table.

Keep a Gratitude Journal

It also helps to maintain an ongoing gratitude journal so you stay in the frame of mind of counting your blessings rather than what you lack. This also helps you to stay focused on your own life and not the lives of others.

Cultivate Altruism

There are many benefits of altruism , so cultivating it as a habitual thought pattern can be even better for you than for those who benefit from your kindness. See what small things you can do for your friends and strangers. Practice loving-kindness meditation . Be your best self and you won’t feel as prone to compare.

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By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.